I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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