I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
