I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
