Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
