My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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