first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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