Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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