...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
