woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
