i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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