Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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