i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
