She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
