is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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