if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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