so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Boobs are out for the taking
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
