i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You can't special order awesome
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
