Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Randomize
