I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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