Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
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He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
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Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.