i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.