My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike