life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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