Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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