textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
