She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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