dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
