I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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