remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
this boner is exhausting
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
