I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
