sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
