mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
