I'd wear matching sweaters with you
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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