Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
