By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
