umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
