May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
