Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm both gender and math confused
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
