Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
