Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
