I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
