We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
