Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
