Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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