epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
