mondays should just be called national damage control day
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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