i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
