theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
