it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
