Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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