she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I haven't been this sober since birth.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
