I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
