Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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