im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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