i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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