I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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