Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
