Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
