I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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