Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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