btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
